As the title of this journal says, I never really see anything happy about a new year; to me I see it as another day in a different year but same old shit! But that is probably just me ._.
Now I know people don't read my journals or very few do. But for me, being able to write a journal here, is just a good way for me to be able to vent and get whatever I need off my chest, regardless to whether anyone reads them or comments on them. For me, I've vented; it's off my chest.
If anything, I'm quite an introvert; I love the peace and quiet and being able to be by myself in a quiet area, away from people (friends included) and be able to think over things and my emotions and feelings. But I have a terrible habit of bottling up all my feelings and emotions up until I reach breaking point. Sometimes, if I feel like, I will share my thoughts, feelings/emotions with the very few close friends that I have and trust. But I do like to keep to myself the majority of the time. I only really love socialising with very small groups of people; I get or feel overwhelmed when I am stuck socialising with a huge group of people.
I don't really remember much of November after I posted my last journal. I know it was very busy and stressful at work though; it is always busy and stressful at work, but not so stressful that I can't cope. Not a lot really happened in November apart from finally opening up to my line manager about my health issues and then also being open about it with the rest of my colleagues too. And it was a good feeling to know how understanding and how helpful they are about it too. If anything, the beginning of December had a horrible start.
As you know, I have hypothyroidism (under active thyroid) triggered by Hashimoto's disease/autoimmune thyroiditis (basically where your own immune system mistakenly attacks your thyroid gland without reason and it is unknown as to what triggers any autoimmune condition) I also have had trouble with my hips and knees for years, where I get unbearable pain to a point where it will bring me to tears and make my feel sick.
Since about August/September, I had been feeling more tired than I had been, had very little to no energy to a point where I was having to force myself out of bed each morning in order to go to work, and when I got home, I would crash and would barely be able to stay awake. My hip and knee pain was also getting worse, lasting for days to weeks on end. It was depressing to say the least and dragging me down; I was tearful and emotional.
So I went to the doctors at the beginning of December; I had to go anyway to get my blood pressure checked before I was allowed my next prescription because of one of the tablets I am on. Now I don't like doctors, and I have my reasons for not liking them, which I will explain shortly. My appointment was with a locum doctor, so a doctor who doesn't work at the surgery, but stands in when say one of the regular doctor's is off on annual leave.
Now a reason I don't like going to the doctors is because whenever I do go there to see someone, I feel that I get brushed off to one side, not taken seriously and that is all because of my age . . . . I am 21 years old. I explained to the doctor how I was feeling and what was going on, and the first thing she said to me was, "oh, you shouldn't be having these problems; you're only 21 years old."
Now I know for a FACT that I shouldn't be having hip and knee problems . . . but I'm not your average 21 year old. If I wasn't having the problems, I wouldn't have been sat in the doctor's office! I even mentioned that I original came to the doctors in April 2014 about my hips and knees and how sick and tired I was of the pain. And the doctor there and then sent a referral off to physiotherapy andthat I would hear within the next couple of weeks. I never did hear anything, so went again in August, where I was given a self-referral form to do, sent that off and never heard anything back.
I even asked the doctor there and then what I could do for the pain as I was at my wits end . . . she said nothing, just stared at the computer screen, before turning around and went on to say how, "oh everyone gets really fatigued from time to time."
Yes I am also well aware of that; aware that everyone else can get really fatigued from time to time. But I'm really fatigued every single day, regardless to whether I get good nights sleep or not; regardless to whether I get 2-3 hours of sleep or 10-12 hours of sleep. I am ALWAYS tired no matter what. Sometimes I will wake up more tired than before I went to bed.
Then said, "everyone gets stressed, that can cause anxiety and tiredness as well as the general sense of feeling unwell."
Again, I am also well aware of that!!! Know EXACTLY what high levels of stress can do to your body, I only have to look back to my old previous job working with kids and previous two relationships to know what high levels of stress can do to the body. But I have also been a worry wart since I was a small child. I have also had panic attacks, which are highly unpleasant.
I then question about vitamin D levels as someone asked me if I had ever had them checked, and suggested that I should get them checked. I got me with a very snarky reply of, "but you only had your levels checked back in August. But I suppose if you're feeling worse we can check them again. And if we were to test everyone's vitamin D levels, I'm sure everyone would have a slight vitamin D deficiency because of it being winter."
By this point, I was getting really wound up and pissed off with this doctor. She was blatantly judging me because of my age. And I'm not the only one who is in this boat either. I left the doctors surgery with my blood test form for my thyroid levels and vitamin D levels. I was scarily calm though as I walked out and my dad walked beside me. And then it started to hit how angry I was. I got home, and of course my mother then text me to ask how the appointment went, I called her and practically burst into tears over the phone.
I was hurt, angry and upset over the fact that I had been brushed off like that. Pissed off at the fact that I would probably have to be on my death bed or dead before a doctor would really notice or "care" like they should. But a couple of days later, I had a letter through the post, that had come from the hospital, in regards to a physiotherapy appointment, which even though I felt relieved to have FINALLY received a letter, I was angry/annoyed at the fact that it had taken since April to get a response!
I also had my blood test, and was told it would be over a week before I would get the vitamin D test results . . . had a call the day after the blood test to be told I had a vitamin D prescription to come and collect. It's a long term prescription too, but I'm not sure in doctor's terms how long "long term" means.
As for the physiotherapy, I have had two appointments and basically I do have muscle weakness, which makes my muscles and tendons more relaxed. And because of that, my joints can then stretch further than they should. BUT it is not enough to class me as hypermobile, as it only affects my hips and knees. So I basically have all these muscles exercises to do to tone up my muscles. And what I really like about the physiotherapist that I see, she takes into account that I get very tired very quickly because of my thyroid problem, so she gives me exercises that I can do that won't tire me out too much.
So it feels good to feel like I might be getting somewhere with my health. But I still don't like doctors . . . I mean I know not every doctor is like that. I know that there are doctors out there who do listen, do take into account what you are saying and will actually help you. But just knowing that there are doctors who do judge people and not take people seriously because of their age, does just piss me off.
But I've got a feeling I might end up having to pay another visit to the doctors again at some point ._. I keep on feeling bloated and nauseous lately after I've eaten sometimes, especially when I've eaten bread. So I should probably go and speak to someone about that.
So besides my health, I had a very quiet Christmas with my family; I actually don't like Christmas at all and I have my reasons, but I don't really want to go into that too much as this journal is long enough as it is. I actually worked right up until Christmas Eve and came home from wok on Christmas Eve to a nice full roast turkey dinner cooked by my mum
and I loved it! My cousin also got married over Christmas . . . that was an interesting experience to say the least! Massive power cut at the wedding reception venue, so dinner proved very interesting indeed! It wasn't a brilliant day for me though, but again, I don't really want to go into it.
New Year again was quiet for me; I worked New Year's Eve and was nearly asleep by 10pm! But I stayed up anyway to keep the cat company during the fireworks. I have to say, the London fireworks display was very spectacular indeed! And so was the concert that Adam Lambert did with Queen
absolutely loved that!
But yeah, like I said, I don't really see anything happy about the new year.
But I trust and hope everyone else had a brilliant Christmas (or holiday if you don't celebrate Christmas) and a good new year!
I have made a promise to myself to try and get out more, especially with my camera so I can do some more photography. I don't ever feel like writing anymore; I doubt I ever will write again. I've also made a promise to try and meet up more with my friends as well. Where I was feeling down and out of it because of my health the last couple of months, I feel like I lost touch with them a little. So I want to try and meet up with them more this year
Anyway, time for me to end this journal here I think, this journal is quite long! So, on that note, until the next journal, goodnight dA